Lovebombing: Take Cover From This Troubling Dating Trend
If you haven’t heard of the term “lovebombing” before, you may be thinking to yourself that such an “explosion” of love or romantic interest can’t be a bad thing! This especially makes sense given media depictions of the passion and invigoration of a fast-paced relationship, or when one person is uninterested and the other persistently pursues until they decide to be together. However, lovebombing isn’t all about the bouquets of flowers, deep compliments, and heart-warming displays of affection.
c/o giphy love
Lovebombing is actually a form of emotional manipulation in which someone “bombs” another with over-the-top affection and attention in order to gain control or influence over them. Lovebombing may look like constant compliments, making oneself overly available to a partner, extravagant gifts or gestures, or even the feelings that “this is too good to be true” or a partner is pushing the relationship to move too quickly. Lovebombing can occur at any point in a relationship, but typically is the most salient early on when trying to win someone over. This is such a sneaky tactic because it is eerily similar to what many people are looking for when entering relationships: to feel loved, admired, and pursued.
One of the biggest problems that comes with being a victim of a love bomb, and why you need to be on the lookout and take cover when necessary, is that it makes it difficult to maintain one’s personal boundaries. This is because the grand gestures and positive sentiments make you feel dependent on or indebted to the person making them. The bombee may begin to doubt any suspicious or negative feelings they may have since the bomber didn’t do anything outwardly ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’, and can even make them feel guilty or like a bad person for having those suspicions or boundaries to begin with. Thus, lovebombers make it really easy in these situations to stray away from what your gut is warning you about, which can weaken your ability to firmly hold your own boundaries and sense of self, which gives the bomber more control over you, and on and on the cycle goes…
c/o giphy suspicious
Taking Cover from Lovebombs
1. Notice the signs. Now that we’ve defined lovebombing, here are some telltale signs to keep an eye out for:
You receive constant compliments–maybe even the exact things you want to hear
You feel bombarded with gifts or over-the-top gestures
They use words like “soulmate” or “love” a lot and too soon
They push for commitment early in the relationship
There’s too much PDA, both online and in the real world
They’re needy and you’re expected to provide the exact affection they want
You feel like you’re walking on eggshells or like you have to tread lightly
2. Check in with yourself
Trust what your instincts, intuition, and body is telling you when it comes to lovebombing. If something feels wrong or “too good to be true”, it probably is. Also check in with yourself about your own feelings towards this person, separate from the influence of their strong feelings towards you. If the intense feelings aren’t mutual, then lovebombing is likely extra indicated. If this is a person you’re genuinely interested in continuing to pursue, ask yourself a couple of questions:
What am I attracted to about this person separate from their expression of interest in me?
How comfortable am I placing boundaries or expressing my concerns with this person?
Am I looking for the same thing in a relationship as this person, and how comfortable am I continuing this if our goals are different? (for example, if you’re looking to maintain more of a casual hooking up or friends with benefits situation, would you feel safe pursuing this if they’re pushing for something more?)
3. Turn for support elsewhere
Don’t forget that part of a lovebomber’s goal is to make their victims dependent on them! It is critical to practice turning towards your preexisting support system when navigating this complex situation. Turn towards your friends, family, therapist, even online support groups or forums for support around this tricky and confusing dynamic to gain more clarity around what is actually playing out and how to best respond. A lovebomber may want to convince you that they know you and how to support you best, but I would bet that the people in your life who treat you with unconditional love know you better. If you initially reach out to your lovebomber for support or transparency around the situation, it’s likely you’ll be responded to with defensiveness and criticism in a convoluted attempt to keep them looking like the good guy and maintain your feeling of indebtedness to them. Ultimately, if you think lovebombing describes your experience, then focus on supporting yourself first, not the other person.
4. Place boundaries… or walk away
When reflecting on one’s internal locus of control as it relates to lovebombing, you’re likely only left with a couple options that are both difficult: Set clear and healthy boundaries, or walk away. Setting boundaries can entail refusing certain or all gifts from this person and/or creating limits and clear expectations on how much time can be spent physically together or communicating via phones. You can also place a boundary around what appropriate pacing would feel like for you at any stage of a relationship.
c/o giphy walk away
How this person responds to your placing of boundaries will probably give you a strong indication of whether they really are a lovebomber or not. Lovebombers often get upset when boundaries are placed in a way that restricts them. If your limits and expectations are not well received or respected, this is critical information for you to consider in determining your next step. If someone can’t handle even hearing your boundaries, especially early on in a relationship, is this the type of person you want to be tied down to for who knows how long? If these types of conversations go poorly now, how bad are they going to be when more time has passed and attachment has grown? You know yourself and what you can handle best, but I’d recommend walking away if you receive significant pushback, guilt trips, or gaslighting when placing boundaries for yourself. Or, if you just feel that it is all too much too soon for the length of time you’ve known this person and that that is enough of a red flag for you, you have every right to walk away without attempting to set boundaries first.
Lovebombing can be a signal that you may be entering a toxic or potentially abusive relationship. At the end of the day, you are the best person to determine what makes you feel safe and secure in a relationship and what does not. Our emotions, especially the uncomfortable ones, provide us with important information that our brains may not want us to acknowledge. Although it’s easier said than done, especially if you have a history of being lovebombed or victim to other tactics of emotional abuse or manipulation, a critical skill I’d encourage you to get more comfortable with is listening to your gut in order to protect yourself in any relationship.
~ Allison Colaianni, ALMFT
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, please seek help from the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-899-7323 or thehotline.org, or consider seeking additional support from a licensed therapist.